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What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?

What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the perfect, and I ...

A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the perfect, and I mean PERFECT, breasts he'd ever seen.

He walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, you have perfect breasts, and I will pay you $100 to bite them." The woman was horrified and began to walk away.

The man caught her and said, "Alright, I'll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts." Still horrified, the woman began to run away.

The man caught her again and said, "Fine. I'll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more." The woman then thinks that $10,000 will be worth it, so she finally agreed.

They went into a deserted alley away from the city action. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing the perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and everything to the woman's breasts EXCEPT biting them.

The woman then said, "Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!"

The man replied, "Nah, too expensive."

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, ...

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"

How can you tell that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

How can you tell that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

Footprints in the butter.

How do you make a cat go 'woof'?

How do you make a cat go 'woof'?

Soak it in petrol and set it on fire.

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain that I'll feel during labor, but ...

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain that I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Talent does what it can, genius what it must. ...

Talent does what it can, genius what it must.

I do what I get paid to do.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
2) None. The stunt double does it for them.

What is the smallest part of a FIAT?

What is the smallest part of a FIAT?

The owners brain.

Dianne goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll ...

Dianne goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is."

"That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

What not to say to the nice policeman: ...

What not to say to the nice policeman:

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

Honda ... because the apostles were all in one accord.

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal ...

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

When the kids are in college.

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started ...

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

What's the Blonde's cheer?

What's the Blonde's cheer?

"I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N. ... ah, oh well ... I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea ..."

What do you call a mexican with no car?

What do you call a mexican with no car?

Carlos!

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the ...

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?

She wants to be the first lady.

If a couple living together for two years in the state of Tennessee decide to ...

If a couple living together for two years in the state of Tennessee decide to relocate to the state of West Virginia, where they get married, have three children over a seven year period, and then decide to divorce, if after the man moves back to the state of Tennessee, can the couple thereafter still be referred to as brother and sister?

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them ...

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

What's the difference between a blonde and your job?

What's the difference between a blonde and your job?

Your job still sucks after 6 months.



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