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Patty loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this. One ...

Patty loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this. One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk. He tries to stand up, but immedeatly falls to the floor. He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor. People offered to help him, but he said no each time. He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.

The next morning, Patty's wife says, "Patty, you son of a bitch! You were at the bar last night drinking again!"

Patty was confused. "How did you find out?"

"The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."

What's a mushroom?

What's a mushroom?

The place they store school food!

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. ...

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"

A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair ...

A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!"

"I know" she says "im gonna get tits too you dirty old bastard!"

How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Will this be on the test?

Husband and Wife on 10th anniversary. The wife undresses and says: "What did you ...

Husband and Wife on 10th anniversary. The wife undresses and says: "What did you think when I stripped 10 years ago?"

He says: "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry".

She says: "What are you thinking now?"

"Looks like I did a pretty good job!"

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant.

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"

Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?

What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?

Divorce him.

Little Susie comes home from school and tells her mum that the boys were asking ...

Little Susie comes home from school and tells her mum that the boys were asking her to do cartwheels and said she was very good.

Mum said: "Don't do them. The boys only want to see your knickers!"

Susie said: "I know which is why i put them in my bag!"

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think ...

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. Last week I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. This week I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. Yesterday I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence.

After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to ...

After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over.

"You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?

What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?

The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

How is a woman like a condom?

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Yo momma is so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.

Yo momma is so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.

A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the ...

A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"

Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My mother-in-law is an angel. ...

Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My mother-in-law is an angel."

His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

Teacher: "What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?

Teacher: "What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?"

Little Johnny: "I don't know, I wasn't invited!"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the ...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy drinks it down in one.

"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must happened".

"I came home early today," answered the guy, "went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend!"

The bartender pours the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The guy gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answers: "Yea, I walked up to her, told her we're through, pack your bag's and get out, I told her!"

"What about your friend?" asks the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said: Bad Dog!"



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