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Time jokes

A social worker asks a colleague: "What time is it?"

The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."

The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."

Man jokes

Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?

1) MENstruation
2) MENopause
3) MENtal breakdown
4) GUYnecology
5) HIMmorrhoids
...

Fly jokes

Pupil: "There is a dead fly in my dinner"

Cook: "Oh dear, I wonder if it died after tasting it!"

Nightclub jokes

A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?!

Preacher jokes

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'

The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'

When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'

Sex jokes

The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex."

They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath.

There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night."

Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it."

Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, "So how is the new husband?"

"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family."

Chuck Norris jokes

Chuck Norris does not use spellcheck. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Bill Clinton jokes

An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?

1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"

Tit jokes

A farmer says to his wife: "If you had bigger tit’s, I’d get rid of the cow!"

Wife replies: "If you had a bigger cock, I’d get rid of the tractor driver!"

Job jokes

What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years your job will still suck.



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